11th & 12th Nights
I write this next passage about 2 months since my initial ‘First Night’
notes, three weeks since the ‘Afterword’ was first started.
I’ve seen you several times, talked with you on the phone, texted back
and forth. One
night while we were all out together, you had several drinks. You kissed me and
your kiss was delicious, a bit longer than usual but still so short.
You took the chance of others seeing but just did it anyway.
I doubt you know exactly how much I love it just being in the same room
with you, let alone what I’m feeling when we touch, hug and then kiss.
It’s exciting, you’re exciting and I walk on clouds at the very
thought of holding you even for the briefest of time.
Another night, again while we are all out together, we hugged briefly
when we saw each other, a peck on the cheek hello, and after a terrific night of
just being in the same room with you, hugged and a quick kiss goodbye.
Mere seconds of contact, but your beauty, your scent, your smile are so
intoxicating: I’m filled with a desire to drink in all of your femininity, all
of your beauty and relive the moment over and over in my mind, holding you ever
so tightly in my heart, wishing the fantasy to become reality.
Shortly thereafter, we are once again together with a group of people,
this time for an extended period of time, all day into the night in fact. We
touch ever so slightly, off and on all day, hoping not to be seen, yet we
can’t seem to get enough of each other. We managed to slip away from the party
for a few minutes, we hugged, we kissed briefly twice and then returned to the
rest of the group.
This is where I’m beginning to wonder if your feelings for me are
becoming close to as strong as mine for you, yet I know 'Us' cannot happen
at this time. It’s
frustrating, but necessary and it kills me when we look into each others eyes
lovingly but knowing we cannot cross that line because so many other lives would
be affected. Truth? It’s heartbreaking, just so heartbreaking not to be able
to look into your eyes, hold you close, kiss you, caress you, tell you how I’m
feeling about you, how I’m feeling about us, how I want you to tell me what
you’re thinking, feeling and wanting.
Which brings us to this night:
once again, we were alone ever so briefly.
We hugged, I kissed your cheek, it was a perfect opportunity, with no one
else around for us to finally hold each other tightly and kiss for longer than a
fraction of a second.
I was ready, I wanted to hold you so badly, yet you couldn’t or
wouldn’t let it happen.
"Missing My Genuine Gorgeous Girl"
We were together again, with others of course, for two days in a row. Stolen glances, quick touches, happy laughter made the time with you so completely wonderful, yet, I could tell you were wishing we could do so much more with each other. Of course, I love the thought of you thinking like that! We had drinks the first day, but behaved ourselves. The next day, no alcohol was involved, but sitting at a table, our legs touching and rubbing ever so gently and discretely was electric. I felt your hand on my leg, briefly, but it was everything I've been dreaming of: you want me, I feel, as much as I want you. I returned your touch on your soft, warm, bare thigh, just above your knee, my fingertips gliding ever so lightly across your silky skin. I had to stop for fear of getting caught and I know you were probably thinking the same thing, but you were loving it, I could tell.
You called today. As you spoke, I could feel you were trying to fight your feelings for me, feelings of us. You spoke of having an 'obsession' with me, I'm on your mind all the time and you 'need to stop'. I know what that is like, there's about twenty pages here expressing my side of this relationship/friendship and I've mentioned several times how much I think of you all day, everyday. And while I adore you, really adore you and everything about you, I still maintain it's not an obsession. My Darling, I am truly and deeply in love with you. No matter what spin I try to put on it, what label I try to put on it, the fact is I am in love with you. I've had girlfriends, lovers, wives over the years. Some I told I loved, others were just for fun. I've had my heart stepped on and I've stepped on a few myself, I'm sorry to say. But I've never felt like this to the point where the only place I want to be is by your side, all day, every day, forever. It's a marvelous way to feel, and to be always hopeful that 'Us' will one day come to fruition gives me a positive outlook on life in a way that I never had before. I have you to thank for that.
Later, our paths crossed for a few minutes. We were alone ever so briefly and for those few precious moments we were able to hold each other for a few seconds. I kissed your cheek, I kissed your hand and then we kissed on the lips and it was delicious, so warm and sweet, but again, so short. I will always remember that kiss along with the others and I savor each and every one of them. Later, a quick text to say good night and you were gone as I close my eyes and fill my mind with visions of your beauty, your warmth, your scent and taste, so completely feminine, such a lady. I will go to sleep tonight hearing your lovely voice singing to me as I fade into twilight, dreaming of you and 'Us'. I do miss you so, Gorgeous.
13th & 14th Nights
"I Dream of the Day I Hear You Say, I Love You!"
I want to back up for a minute. I don't think you realize how much I thought about whether or not I should let you know my feelings, let you see these pages. As I said in the first night, I've had these thoughts for about five years. At one point, about the time I started writing the 'Second Night...", I didn't work, not because I didn't have any, I had no desire to work, no desire to do anything but see you. So, I cleared my schedule and used the excuse that I didn't have any work to do, except around the house, because I knew you might possibly be in the neighborhood, you might just ride by on your bike and I'd be able to see you, maybe even talk to you, for a few minutes. I needed to get things done around the house anyway, it was a perfect excuse to be able to see you. My heart was constantly in my throat, I was so lovesick, like a school boy pining for his first tween crush. I didn't want to do anything but be wherever you were. When I did get to see you, it was such a wonderfully fulfilling moment just to be near you, let alone talk to you. We always hugged hello, which I loved, hugged goodbye which was wonderful but so sorrowful and then we hugged one day and connected like never before. That was a turning point for me; I knew then you were having similar feelings, you made the "perfect fit" comment. I was very happy, and so humbled at the same time, to learn that you, so beautiful, so stunningly gorgeous, so perfect in my eyes, would actually want to spend time with me.
Night after night, I thought about you, about us, agonizing over if I should put my feelings on paper and if not, just come out and tell you how I feel. I knew however, I'd never be able to just tell you, I knew I'd stumble, stammer, I'd have to write it down or risk forgetting key elements while trying to convey my feelings. But then I wondered: How would you react? That unknown was the inhibiting factor. But the more I got to know you and have seen how kind and caring you are, how beautiful you are on the inside, I knew if I opened up my heart and bore my soul to you, you'd understand that I meant every word I've written. I believe you know I'm sincere in expressing my love for you, I wonder still though, if it's a bit overwhelming for you, knowing your situation. But as I've said all along, this is my fantasy, you're my dream girl, I want you to love me as much as I love you. I believe one day you will. I wonder: how will you react when I tell you "I Love You", Gorgeous?
We were once again able to see each other one on one, but very briefly. We hugged, we held each other tight for a few seconds, we kissed quickly, you whispered, "I wish I could have just 20 minutes with you". Darling, how I long for those same 20 minutes! It would be such a delight but still so short a period of time to spend with you. I want hours with you, years with you. Later, another quick kiss, but you lingered just a bit longer this time and it was so delicious. A taste of things to come? I do so want it to be. I hated having to go but I knew I must. I'm missing you, wanting you, needing you, in love with you. How I want "Us" to be so real! I Love the thought of "Us", Gorgeous.
"Such A Splendid Sensation!"
15th, 16th & 17th Nights
"We're A Perfect Fit"
Another night and it's late. Actually, it's early: two am. I can't sleep so I write as I consume my fifth alcoholic beverage of the night. I haven't heard your voice in over 48 hours, haven't seen you for 72 and probably won't see you for at least another 48 or more and I'm miserable. I miss you more than any words on this page could possibly convey to you. I have gotten a couple of short texts from you but there must be others around and you won't take the chance of being seen by prying eyes, as you shouldn't; at least I know you're thinking of me. My next contact with you will probably be two mornings from now when you're on your way to work, at least I hope so. I have a hard time coping with the thought of it being any longer than that. I have been told I have a good memory, yet I have no memories of ever having any feelings of being so love-struck as I am about you. That's why I keep saying I can't get enough of you, because I've never wanted to be around anyone all the time as I do you.
The alcohol would help me sleep, I thought, but all it does is make me a little more open with the thoughts and dreams I have of you and me, 'Us'; a bit more edgy, more forward in trying to communicate my fantasy, more suggestive in how I'd like our lives to blend together. What will I do when our paths won't be able to cross as frequently as they do now? I'm not liking the thought of that very much and I need to figure out a way that we can see each other as much as possible without raising any suspicions from those who would want to make us stay away from each other if they were ever to discover we have had so much contact. Contact? Lots of words and thoughts of hopes and dreams, a few quick hugs, short kisses, a touch here, a longing look there, phone calls, texts. We have kept it honorable because of your graceful, ladylike demeanor, your total commitment to your beliefs and values. We haven't taken it to that next level because of who you are and what you stand for. "I'm not like that," you said. 'That' needs no explanation when it comes to a lady like you. As much as I'd like for us to cross that line, I know you won't and I'll not even try because of how much I want this to be so clean and fresh when we do become 'Us' should that perfect day ever become a reality.
When last we spoke, I asked the question "What would you do with me if you had your 20 minutes?" Your reply: "All those things you wrote about". But there's a catch: in the perfect scenario we'd have to both be single. I expected no less from you and your graceful mind, your pureness of heart. My heart skipped a beat, though, knowing you think about me the way I think of you. I'm ecstatic that you feel that way!
"I Can't Keep My Hands Off Of You"
You are now aware of these pages and you seem to be okay with all of it; it sounds as if you're warming up to the idea of 'Us'. I'm wishing and hoping this fantasy of mine could actually turn into our dream, our relationship, our life together. You seem, however, to be conflicted; it's so much to digest so suddenly, I know. Your way of life is so totally opposite of what I'm suggesting. I don't want to share you with anyone! I don't want you to be obligated to anyone or anything, I want you to spend your time with me, not because I want you to but because you want to. I want to hold you, kiss you, softly stroke your hair, caress every inch of you, let you know just how beautiful you are, how sexy you are, how I want to make love with you until we fall asleep in each others arms, knowing when we awaken after our lovemaking, whether in the morning, afternoon or evening, we'll have so much more of the same closeness, the same bond, the same loving relationship I have been yearning for with you since I first met you. I want to do these marvelous things with you because you want me to do them with you. I want to awaken every morning seeing your captivating smile, hearing your wonderful laugh with you knowing I think you're more beautiful than the day before and will be even more gorgeous tomorrow. Why? Because you will be, you get prettier every day, every time I see you you're more beautiful than I can remember, even if it's only been minutes since I was able to gaze upon your drop dead gorgeous desirable self. That's why I can't wait until tomorrow, you're going to be that much more stunning to my eyes.
You told me, "You don't know me". I know enough about what I've seen, heard and felt for the last five years to know that you're everything I've ever wanted in a woman and more, so much more. What must I know about you that I haven't seen already? What, you've got something in your past that's shameful, skeletons in your closet? Well get in line Honey. Knowing what I've seen so far, I doubt that you do but if so, it can't be changed now. I don't care, the cliché is 'love will conquer all'. And it will. Here's what I know: you're beautiful, kind, caring, loving and want happiness in your life. You have got to know that I'd do anything possible to make sure we'd always be happy, you'd always be happy.
You also said you've never opened up to anyone, never really confided in anyone, not even girlfriends and if you did there would be such a weight lifted off of your shoulders. My Darling, just know this: pour your heart out to me and I'll take it to my grave, never would anyone else know what you've told me. Betraying you would mean losing you, losing your friendship and that's not acceptable. I've said it before, here on these pages, and I'll say it again: I adore you and everything about you; I can't get enough of you. Let's see what happens from here, whether or not our paths were meant to cross to become one fulfilling, loving journey together. We've so much in common, could we possibly be Soul mates? Truly meant for each other? Are these thoughts another fantasy of mine? Have I finally found my true love? Have you finally found yours? It's all such a lovely dream, a delicious fantasy of your sweetness and lovability. I do so want it to become reality, Gorgeous.
"I Adore You and Everything About You"
Midnight, five days since Day 15. I was so happy three days ago, now down again. We were able to talk on the phone several times, we saw each other everyday for the three days. The first day, we were able to connect, talk, touch, I was able to lightly stroke your legs, so soft and smooth, so tanned and beautiful. We finally could enjoy each other for several minutes. We stepped inside so no one could see us and we hugged, held each other so tightly and then kissed the most marvelous kiss we have had yet. So sweet, so absolutely delicious, scrumptious, yummy, delectable, tasty, and so much so that I wanted it to last for hours longer than the two or three seconds it actually was. Then you smiled that captivating, mesmerizing smile and away you went.
The next day, more phone conversations and later a quick glance or two, a light touch but others were around so we couldn't do anymore than that. Still though, just being in the same room with you is enough to hold me over until the next time. It's nice just to have that few minutes together.
Then came today. I am heartsick, so down, worried. I hid it pretty good but I'm hating what happened. No more phone calls everyday, no more texts. Too chancy for others to see. Later, we saw each other, we were alone for a few more minutes, but when I tried to kiss you, you turned your head, offered your cheek, not your sweet lips. "I have lipstick on" you said. Okay, it never bothered you (or me) before. I'm starting to get distraught, I hate the thought of having to back off, but I think you're afraid of being exposed. So I suppose in order to keep your head on straight, I should give it a rest. Once again, you're right, it's become too risky. We'll see what else comes our way. My heart, my mind, my very being is feeling crushed. I'm sick to my stomach, my heart in my throat.
I awoke this morning still feeling heartsick. When would I hear from you again now that you won't call from your phone? I understand why. I wouldn't want you to have to try and explain why, it's best this way. I know we'll be going out tonight with a group, but still, I was enjoying hearing your voice and listening to what you had to say a lot more often. Then, the phone rang and it was you, calling from another line. No longer am I heartsick but the call was very short; at least you found a way to call. Which tells me, I hope, you not only miss me as much as I miss you but maybe you need to hear my voice as much as I need to hear yours. I hope so, Gorgeous.
We went out tonight, in a group. For four glorious hours we were together, if you include the ride to and from the establishment. You were absolutely stunning. We talked, had a few drinks, a bite to eat and our legs were touching the whole time under the table, you lightly rubbing against mine. A couple of times you touched me with your hand, ever so quickly, and very chancy considering who was there with us. A few drinks and you seem to throw caution to the wind. It's discreet, it's hazardous, but it's oh so splendid to have felt your touch constantly for three hours. The ride home was uneventful almost. You in the back seat, me upfront in the passenger seat, we're riding along and what do I feel ? Your foot along side my seat, barely touching me. So, of course, never to miss a chance to caress any part of you, I reached down and gently, ever so lightly, stroked and rubbed your beautiful, perfect toes for a few moments until you pulled your foot back when some bright streetlights were upon us. That was also a first, a new sensation, and one I will not only savor, but will also want to have reoccur many times over many years. I just cannot get enough of you and adore everything about you from you soft, lovely hair to your beautiful painted toes and every part of you in between. I love it that you seem to want me to caress you whenever possible.
18th, 19th & 20th Nights
"Oh, How I Dream This Will Be Us!"
The days and nights I've been waiting for have arrived: a two day trip with you. We'll be with a group but I'll be able to see you and be in your company for about 36 fantastic hours. I went ahead of you with others, you arrived later that night. You came in, smiled that radiant smile and the room was aglow with your warmth, your personality and your beauty. Sitting across from me, you were so stunningly beautiful and again I just wanted to hold you, kiss you, never let go of you. But, of course, that's my fantasy, my dream; in reality I could only visualize those thoughts in my mind, I couldn't really do them. We all sat and talked, had a drink or two and then retired for the night. I fell asleep with you in a room next to mine, but in my dreams, you were in the bed with me, asleep in my arms.
The next morning came and I was up early, so were you. As I was heading down to the break room for coffee, I turned the corner and there you were, standing by the breakfast bar, barefoot. I had always wondered in my dream world, my fantasy world of you: would you be as beautiful, as radiant first thing in the morning as I envisioned you? You, of course, did not disappoint me. So naturally beautiful without make up, you were so fresh, so youthful, a vision of pure femininity and so sexy from head to toe. Absolutely gorgeous! We exchanged good mornings and then I just had to kiss you quickly on the lips, it was so short but so delicious, a kiss I will always remember and a moment I will savor forever.
We stayed together as a group all day, a quick glance, a word or two but hardly a touch throughout the day, you were otherwise occupied. Towards the end of the evening I was able to touch and caress your hand a couple of times, you actually thanked me for doing it but then had to pull your hand away when other eyes were on the verge of seeing perhaps. Later into the night while returning home, I felt a light touch on the seat: once again your bare foot was along side of me and I could just reach your beautiful toes, softly rubbing, touching, caressing them. It was a brief moment but oh so sweet and another one I will always remember and savor.
The next day was more of the same, it's hard to have any kind of personal contact when we're among so many others that must be kept unaware of what we're thinking. I did manage to sit next to you for about a half hour, touching shoulders, trying to be close to you but not be too obvious. Eventually, the group drifted apart, headed home, and I was sad to see it happen because you'd be out of my sight and I'd have to face the truth: all of this is a dream, a fantasy, the reality is we're not a couple, not together, only does it happen in my mind.
Later into the evening you were online, we said a brief hello and you were gone again. Some day, and I hope it's sooner rather than later, these words that I type will be unnecessary because I can whisper them to you in person as we are holding each other for hours that turn into days, weeks, years. Such a marvelous dream of you and me, Gorgeous.
Sadly, I must get back to the real world tomorrow. The phone calls and texts will be few and far between now. I'll have to maintain my composure but in reality I know I'll be heartsick, thinking of you, wondering how your day is going, if you're thinking of me, if you're feeling any different towards me for whatever reason. I hate, and I mean really hate, not having any contact with you. I'll just have to see what happens, what progresses over time. You'll have to reach out to me, I can't call you. It's only been about nine hours since I saw you but I miss you terribly already, Gorgeous.
It's four nights later and it's late (or early), after midnight. More alcohol in the mix and I'm missing you so much more than ever, I'm wondering what you're thinking, feeling, what you're needing, wanting. I have no way of knowing. We can't call, can't text. Internet is available but shouldn't be used for fear of others seeing. So I sit alone and miss you, think of you. Do you miss me too? I certainly hope so. One week ago we were together in a group but so in tune with each other, tonight I wonder when we can connect again.
Why? Because I've had very little contact with you all week. I need that reinforcement, that look or that 'hey babe', either spoken or written from you and I haven't gotten it. There has been some messaging back and forth, me letting you know I miss you, think of you, you seemingly all business for whatever reason, not your usual playful self. Three quick calls, the first one after three miserable, heart in my throat days, and it was so short. The second one today and also short. A bit of a conversation tonight but all business. I know it's hard, downright impossible at times for fear of others becoming aware of our, well, our close friendship, but give me a sign you're thinking of me, you miss me and do it as often as possible. That's all I ask, Gorgeous.
"Stay With Me Always"
I was able to talk with you on the phone this morning. It was less than ten minutes. You called from another line, explained to me why you hadn't been able to talk freely all week. It sounded like you also were upset because we haven't been able to connect. While I'm sad I can't have that wonderful daily conversation with you anymore, I'm happy, elated actually, that you seem like you don't want it to end either. I love it when you, so beautiful, so kind and caring, so graceful, such a lady, my dream girl, my fantasy love seem to want to spend your time with me. It's so wonderful, yet so humbling that you would pick me and I thank you for it. It took everything inside of me but I had to tell you that I couldn't and wouldn't be able to contact you anymore. I cannot and will not jeopardize you in anyway, you must contact me first when you feel it's safe for you to do so.
I'm hoping we'll be able to see each other tomorrow night, with a group of course, but at least I'll be able to gaze upon your drop dead gorgeous self, maybe a hug, a touch, a "miss you" from your sweet lips. I can't help myself, I do love being in your company, Gorgeous.